Mignon McLaughlin once said, “Every day of our lives, we are on the verge of making those slight changes that would make all the difference”
While we all want to make those slight changes in our lives, what Mignon forgot to mention was that someone should not delay or should not forget to us on our face what slight changes we need to make. Should we not walk out if sandwich is not tasty even if you are having a challenge in some other area or what if someone has the desire to be acknowledged on social media, they should share it.
Never thought that one day I will be typing this but here we are ... back to the basics a work in progress of becoming Strangers Again. Comparing someone’s newly found Chase phase and Honey-Moon stage with someone’s Down-hill phase is not only biased it is also unfair. If you are going through butterflies and roses phase around you. Off course looking at a recent down-fall phase will look horrible with all the blame on the previous one. I don’t blame you instead feel sad on the fact that how easy it is for someone to ignore everything else the good, great and fabulous whatever went before this phase. Do not ignore the ugly part because that will help you continue to move forward.
It’s not easy to get over and it’s not that only hurt to one person it hurts to both parties. Each party process it differently some people try to avoid any contact of any sort and ignore communication others want to talk about it.
I have to process it as well and this is my way or processing it.
In 2009, I watched Phil Wong’s short story Strangers,again and continued to watch it now and then over the years. When you go through it yourself, you realize he did provide a good empirical structure to different stages of becoming a stranger again.
Stage 1: The Meeting
Stage 2: The Chase
Stage 3: The Honey Moon Stage
Stage 4: The Comfort-zone
Stage 5: Tolerance: Time will pass, and whether you want to believe it or not, the fire won’t rage on. But that’s ok, it’s only normal and healthy for each of you to simmer down and just be chill with each other. This is when you get comfortable. There’s no need to fake anything, you’ll be real, and you’ll be honest. Some fights might occur, some problems may arise, but that’s fine. Again, it’s only normal. What you do and where you go with those arguments and that comfortableness is what makes the difference into the next stage. (The comfortable stage is tricky because it could be very short, or very very long, years even, but you’ll never know until after it’s over)
Stage 6: Downhill: If you’ve gotten here, most likely there’s not much time left for the two of you. There may be valiant efforts to save the relationship, but in the end, everything will add up and it’ll be too hard to keep it going. Something was lost along the way and you can’t bring it back
Stage 7: Stage 8, Stage 9, Stage 10, and Stage 11.
Stage 1: Meeting & Stage 2: The Chase
For me stage 1 was a surprise while browsing in August 2016 one afternoon I got this interest indication from you. I could not believe it….. Why someone so attractive and beautiful would be interested in me? I thought you are out of my league and even if there is interest, it will be momentarily and die down in a few days from your side. I was interested not confident however after a few days it was a great move to take the conversation offline. I was sldo introduced to All About Cha café.
The moment I walked in I was a bit nervous, excited and uptight maybe. I could not find the exact spot where you are sitting but you helped me by calling my name. Hearing you calling my name made me calm. The whole conversation turned from a 1-2 hour max into 6 hours long conversation. I still remember the drawing you were working on in the café. That chameleon you made turned out to ... :)
We closed the café and went home. I still could not believe that our conversation even though random ... you stayed there talking to me all the time. I still don’t know if you were being nice or genuinely interested in listening to me for hours. Whatever they case may be. End result is I felt happy leaving the cafeteria. On my way home I listened to this song and eventually this song continues to give me the reminder and connotation of that meeting with you that day in Cha. Every time this song plays I get reminded of you from the rhythm and memory connection the song has for me regarding the meeting.
I slept peacefully that night and when I woke up in the middle of the night then I decided to text you which was hilarious on my part and interesting at the same time, you responded right away. :D
Even though it was not planned to meet another time, I knew we will meet another time as well. The text messages were always trying to convey that attraction is mutual. You went on a tour to ID and you sent me progress reports and completions for on your painting as well. That was exciting to watch :)
Next time we
met to visit the famous art display at the museum that was fun. I took 3 of
your pictures which I still have with me. You brought a lot of joy by inviting
me to visit the museum with you.
May, 2016
You started giving me butterflies. Next time we met for a sushi restaurant. I am not a fan of Sushi but since that was the gluten free sushi you chose to go for. I went to Broken Arrow downtown and waited for you and then you came with your hair pulled back. You looked so pretty. I did not enjoy the sushi much but I did enjoy your company very much. I still remember our post dinner conversation in the car. It was still a conversation to remember.
Next time we went to see a movie at AMC, when you walked into the theater my jaw dropped you looked very beautiful. I focused more on you in the theater instead on the movie. After movie, I was hungry and we decided to go to grocery store as you proposed the idea that it is quick and easy fix to make chicken fajitas and eat them with Guacamole and gluten free tortillas. It was beyond my expectations and I learned something new that day. Stage 3: The Honey Moon Stage & Stage 4: The Comfort-zone
After that meeting, you put me on Cloud 9. I was happier to have you and also celebrated every day. I remember I did not plan on it but I sent you a snapshot where I messaged another person stating that I met you and we go out and hangout anytime and every time and I am feeling so happy. I took snapshot of that message and sent it to you. In return you did the same thing to others. I did not expect that will happen, but it happened so naturally for me.
You made me realize the difference between Gluten free and Gluten full food. Afterwards, we started meeting regularly on weekends or weekdays and life was good. I appreciated your encouragement whenever I shared something related to work or school.
I remember I was planning to take a quick visit back home in 2016 and to my surprise when I opened my apartment door I saw you and what you wrote on the white board. It melted my heart and also brought emotions in my heart which I never imagined will be there. You did something which was full of affection and describing your feeling without saying anything. It also started the honeymoon stage for us. There were flowers and sky was pink and blue. I visited back home and came back more rejuvenated and excited to spend my time with you.
June, 2016
You introduced me going to coffee shops and studying there or working together. Doing anything together sounded exciting or even being low key. I still could not believe that why someone so pretty and beautiful can chose to be with me. I had to remind myself that it is true.
I remember when you sent me your Spotify playlist to listen to while travelling to Dallas. Thank you for sharing that, it was a nice gesture and that’s how I got introduced to Para for Cuva.
August, 2016
Upon my return
from overseas visit, I moved to a new apartment and also learned about things
going on in your family life and you planning to become independent. I have
never been in that situation and I did not know how to react in that situation.
All I could think of was to support you whatever you are going through and
offer any help I can. I may not have been at my best during those times but if
you read this now, you can understand why.
Once everything settled down and this is the phase where we entered into being
comfortable with each other. I will not forget this phase, it was during this
phase where I felt most close to you and vice versa. Sky was the limit.
Anything and everything I shared with you, you supported me in that and I tried
to do the same for you.
When I look back at our best times together I remember our time in River chase community, we did everything together, and we used to go church. Even one time you came home cooking meal for me for the next 2 weeks. That melted my heart once again. Sometimes, out of the blue you used to bake me banana bread and bring it over. That was always a pleasant surprise. I always thought and pray that how I can support you for PA school and if I can have money to support you through school. During that time and phase I also tried to get jobs in Tulsa but continued to get rejected. The part time jobs I did were not even enough for me to pay my apartment rent. During all this time you were fully understanding and supportive and I always felt as I don’t have enough to make you happy and even sometimes doubted why would you chose to be with, it must be temporary. At times, I used to get cranky and upset whenever you showed affection because I thought it can be from niceness not from genuineness.
September, 2016
October, 2016
When you traveled with me to Kentucky in 2018, you melted my heart once again. You supported everything I did and I realized how difficult it will be to have a day without you presence. I appreciated that trip and support very much.
You supported me in all aspects as best as you could. In 2018 when you invited me to go with you to your science competition, I felt genuine happiness because it told me that you want my presence at your important day. I still remember that and cherish those moments.
May , 2017
I remember in 2019 you came with me to Tulsa for my graduation ceremony. Initially, I was reluctant that you should join me as you will have to take a break from work. However, you insisted and still joined me .I am proud of you that you came with, were present there and you made me realize that you are part of the accomplishment as much as I am. I wanted to capture the time and wanted to reflect on the time we spent in Tulsa. I was happy but during the whole trip I felt that something is bothering me. I felt that you will open up and share with me if there is anything I can do to make you feel better. I feel sad now that you never communicated your needs to me openly and what you felt.
Stage 5: Tolerance
I remember I was supposed to go to be a judge at a science fair in Oklahoma and you showed interest to be there as well. As you usually have interest in science and geeky stuff. Our plan was to go to Dallas after the science fair judgement. I was not aware of the protocol for judging a science fair and who is allowed and who is not allowed. I assumed you will be able to view all the poster exhibitions as well. As you were going to the science fair as my guest it was my responsibility to insure that you get entry and we follow all the protocols. Only judges were allowed to enter the exhibition hall, you got in the exhibition hall with me and walking with other judges however you were not the official judge. During one of the presentation you acknowledged the answers and presentation of one student which is good. However, you started judging them as well. While other judges were waiting to ask question. I agree no doubt you have knowledge and it was fine that you asked questions and provided your input but it was not your place as not being the official judge. When they came to know that, the administration said that only judges can go in the exhibition room and you came out. As a result in order to support you and to voice my opinion against the policy, I also walked out of judging completion. However, what really came as a red flag for me was that you started telling me in the car that I did not like that you have more knowledge than me. I was shocked that how can you even think something like that. I was invited as official judge and I took you with me and in return you are blaming for something which was not even closer to 100 miles in my mind. I was sad for the accusation and we had a brief argument about that as well and you started crying. You may have forgotten that but it remained in my mind and I kept on thinking why would I do something like that. I was not happy and it stayed with me. We never discussed it again though never thought what impression you had in my mind about me that you said that.
You used to be
so enthusiastic about pursuing your goal of PA school and after challenges yes
you have suffered a lot of challenges in your life and you have come out strong
out of those challenges. I know you want to pay off your credit debt before pursuing
it, but it felt gradually that it is not the same artsy pretty ginger girl whom
I met and something has changed or I have caused this change. Whatever the case
maybe, I thought I am the reason for this change and your passion was in
something else which you are not pursuing. We stopped discussing about our life
goals together. I still used to share but soon I realized that I have lost the
friend for me who will be as excited as you were before. I was not excited as
before and fire was dying down.It was
Based on your previous lifestyle and experiences, when we were together. There was a time when you were still talking to your previous companions on a daily basis. You were sharing with me about their concerns and how they are not taking care of themselves and needed support and medication etc. How you are offering them support and needed care. I was not excited to hear that and the way I heard it was that someone is taking emotional part of you even without your presence. Your mind was divided in different segments and you are offering even your past a share of your everyday time and emotion as well. I shared my concern with you and I started to feel as I am not enough for your mind and soul. We never talked about it and that void was never closed. Even though we have been together for many years, I was always afraid to talk about something in order to avoid the hurt no matter how hard I tried.
Stage 6: Downhill
Later part of 2019, and 2020 I had a feeling and fear that our closeness will go away based on pursuing our career goals. We used to work in the same room but our discussion and conversation became distant. Modern life took the stretch both of us and more out of me to fulfill the needs of never ending corporate conglomerate I lost the time to take care of your needs and our conversations stopped from our conversation to only business. I started bringing my worries and stress in the conversation during our time as well. I started becoming anxious and you were always there to help me. I so much appreciate that. I always thought and do believe that you have talent which needs to be utilized more and I wanted to do more of what I can. Even after trying my best
Additionally, providing opportunities for your skill and talent put me in a challenge which you cannot understand nor I shared with you because you will not understand and nor do I want to stress you about it.
Stage 7, Stage 8, Stage 9, Stage 10 and Stage 11
You supported
me in all aspects as best as you could. I did not intentionally try to be worst. Leaving the rest up to life. Stage 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 ...
