The Red Shoes and what comes with it

Hans C. Anderson -- a Danish poet and author wrote The Red Shoes. I happened to read it in 8th grade when I didn't even know why would someone wear red shoes in the first place--- when they can wear black uniform shoes everyday. Ahhh little me and my innocent thinking when I was pure and decent.

Little did I know that it was only a decade and half later that I would wear and live The Red Shoes life myself. literally and figuratively 👦😑 such as follows.

The imaginary red

The old beaten up crimson red 

The Mexico city and Brazilian foot-ball red 

The everyday PhD student life and ugly red

The lesson learned for me is life is short before I judge someone else. I need to look at my own The Red Shoes life style.  Just like tiny habits can create a big domino effect in improving the overall life style for the betterment.  Tiny red shoes behavior can disrupt the whole life purpose as well or maybe make it.


Respect to famous Danish Hans C. Anderson in front of The Little Mermaid in  Copenhagen, Denmark.

circa 2013






There is so much Red Shoes Theme in Jai Wolf''s " Like it's Over"  (below) which is on repeat for me for the last couple of hours. I like his instrumental theme and creativity

The Power of Pulling from Both Sides

Failure and rejection is part and parcel of life. Everything has its own timing. My timing is not synchronized with your time and your timing is pre-mature than my timing. What people wanted from me long time ago, was a joke and manipulation. When I am ready then comes another allegation.

But still I write and express how to comprehend this for my own belief.  The best way to keep the balance and stay align in life is to pull from opposite directions. On one side I am so ready and want this but the train has departed already. On the other hand, I am so thankful for what my worth is.  Some people used me as an experimental / missionary project to feel highly of themselves by taking bet on a loser player because they wanted to show their own importance and empathetic skills. When they didn't get their own way, they tried to create havoc in their own way. Still I am calm and remember them as follows.

One Side: The Blinds Need Renewal

Exactly 5 years ago you made the whole house ready.
Helped me put out everything and fix all of it.

Now the house is here but the boss of the house is gone.

Things have been down the hill. I didn't always want this nor did you.

I wanted a better future together. I did wrong and made mistakes.

Time has gone by but these words and notes are a reminder for me for regrets I narrate.

I took everything for granted and never did future pacing to realize how it would be without you.

Life is still the same but you are gone.

Other Side:

The other side did not want to use me as an experiment or any missionary goals on me. However, I just found something different.

It takes courage to express your feelings and give them words

That's the power of pulling from the opposite direction. In between them is where I find my existence. Some people can manipulate you to get what they want while others just narrate what they feel. The power lies in pulling from the opposite directions. Some call it narcissism because that's all they can think of while in reality they know it is called confidence. 

Moving is Living

It's one of those days when you hear that you have to move again. I am not surprised because 'moving is living'

If I look back 15 years ago in my life. The whole baggage can be summarized into a handful of things and my cubicle in D-hall.

Circa 2005

These things were enough for me to handle. As we grow more in life the burden and baggage keeps on increasing day by day .... minute by minute.  If it's only physical baggage then it's normal but the challenge is..... its emotional and mental baggage as well.


If I summarize my physical baggage in the last 3 years it would be like this below.

Reduce it into a suite case please

It's one of those days when you get a little misty and move on.

However I want my life to be reduced to a suit case, so that I can pack it up and move on to where-ever the big waves of life take me instantly. But even though I have been living out of a suite case for a while, it is still disruptive and feels like a burden.

They say the state of someone's habitat and where they live can tell a lot about their state of mind and what's going on in their life.

How is the state of my life and things in my life? Take a look below.

Apparently things in my life are not straight enough. The haphazardness of things thrown around in my life depict their effect in one way or the other. :|

It's not the physical baggage which is burdensome. It's the emotional baggage which grips the whole brain and paralyze my mental operating system.


The famous dialogue from Up in the Air says it all.

" Make no mistakes your relationships are the heaviest components in your life..... all those negotiations and arguments, secrets and compromise.....  "


I feel living in 1st world for so long have made me put on the shackles of playing the victim card and becoming soft mentally.  Rather than doing the real work and making the differences, which is ought to be the purpose of my life, I am making excuses. I am Saying No More to being soft and moving ahead to whatever it takes. Amen

Define What Masculinity means?

Today I learned how do we define masculinity?

Personally I never thought about it in different contexts.

However, I heard different " It could be working out, could be making money, being successful in relationships, dressing better, it could be writing amazing poetry.  The person decides himself "

The question and answer is, " Think about your role models. Who are they? "

I think it was very powerful observation. Who are my role models? Who do I follow. How does a child decides which role models to follow?  Obviously influenced by the elders. What if the scenario is blind leading the blind..... then we all are doomed.

The answer is clear we don't think critically enough while choosing who do we follow and how do we teach others.... 

Re: I have learned to laugh at myself

Behavior  change does not happen overnight. If it happens overnight then the change will last only another night which is not a change in the first place. Over the years, I have learned that it's okay to laugh at myself.  I can make a joke of myself or be a joke for someone, its okay.  I don't need to care what people think of me or about me. Everyone has something to say and everyone has a Damn opinion about you. That's okay that's what humans do anyways.

Learning to laugh at yourself starts with a gif

I have learned to face whatever future brings and still be happy and laugh at myself either it works in my favor or work for the happiness of others. Life is a trade-off.

10 Years ago I would not have been able to say the same. These past 10 years and the learning are my intervention. I am thankful for the experiences.
The day I decided not to make any excuses about whatever life throws at me, that very moment winning became a guarantee. The Almighty wants you, me and everyone of us to win.

Sometimes life brings certain people in our lives to teach us special lessons so that we can learn from them and have better quality of life with a purpose. Even if they leave, they teach us certain impulsive behaviors, prepare us to say what's is in our heart no matter what ( even though it's not always the right approach ) and they teach us to be a better leader and executor irrespective of the circumstances.


I have spent 1/3 of my life on this planet Earth in North America. After spending a decade specially in the Southern part of the continent. In addition to not only experiencing and learning the 'Y'all hospitality'  I have learned to appreciate the simple living of a southerner gentleman at the same time. No matter wherever I move next in the world, if I have to take something back with me in addition to the values and right to protect myself.  I want to take back western spirit of ambition and hustle as well.

I know as a human my life is limited on this planet and my journey lies ahead. I have decided to document my limited journey as well.

I document my micro struggles and mistakes. I document my momentarily thoughts and ideas so that if I live a little longer I can look back and appreciate what life offered me in the past, what did I make out of it and what is waiting for me in future.

Time is a vapor and always fleeting.  I know my life is different every next moment. It is different now and it will be different in a couple of weeks from now on-wards.

Once I know I can laugh at myself and I am the master of my own happiness. I document and share and say what I want my life to be.


This little practice has helped me shape and curate the stories out of my life. Sometimes even I don't know what's on my mind until I realize and see my micro-struggles and cravings. Thank you ' Laugh at yourself' habit.

April 25, 2018 Middle of the Night Micro Journey 

Self reflection takes place best for me when I speak and express my actions and ambitions through words. I am glad to have found people around me in recent years who listen to me patiently and support me even though sometimes I am not the best speaker or the most pleasant person to be around.  It helps me realize my priorities and keeps me on track.

April 27, 2018:  Part 1/4: ( Selected Micro-document Video)

I try to record my moments so that I can co-relate with other fleeting moments of the past or coming in future.  This mini-video documentation was done for myself so that I can see who I was, who I am becoming and what I am doing which I should not do. Nothing big happened on this day other than the validation in my brain and mindset off-load took place, so that I can keep the right tools in my brain from now on and do what I like to do rather than what is required of me to do.

April 27, 2018: Part 2/4 ( Appreciate Western Boots) 

My kinkiness for western boots becomes evident in this video and I didn't even know that. I decided to take a special trip from school to store while changing other plans. Now this is what I call impulsiveness. I needed this to get it out of my system.

April 27, 2018: Part 3/4 (  In Store  Nervousness) 

Even though I act nervous but this is the thrill of doing whatever you want to do with your life.

April 27, 2018: Part 4/4: (Post-Purchase Guilt or Denial) 

The final result of the purchase is evident in the image below and I am glad I did go out of my way to find these spiffy tan colored boots.  They have already earned thousands of air miles with me while my journey continues across North America.

Hello bad-ass ostrich leather

Another micro-documentary from October 2017

In the recent past I have had certain micro-moments which have revealed to my, my own behavior. Looking back I am glad I took those actions and initiatives. It's better to close the loop and laugh at your own mistakes and failures.

At the end of the day it's my life and I chose to live it the way I learned or try to live it with a purpose which will minimize the regret in me rather getting ignored on account of other people's expectation.
As famously said, " The world wants you to be vanilla, the moment you conform they abandon you" Sethi.

Re: The Bench and it's Past

If a bench has to write it's autobiography...what would it be?

Would the bench explain how many tired legs and exhausted bodies it helped to recover and recharge so that they can continue their life journey after having a quick rest on its strong iron supports?  OR
Would the bench say how many broken hearts and strangers it helped to come closer and closer in real live?

Conventionally in popular culture benches are shown as a symbol of union, socializing and time to relax. If you don't believe me...then...well let's take a look at the famous bench from the very infamous movie ( at least for me) 'Notting Hill'

Take a look below.

When you say nothing at all

The bench from Notting Hill is so famous it is a treasure now. I am not surprised though. 

For June who loved this garden. From Joseph who always sat beside her

Life is like a box of chocolates....

We all have benches similar to Notting Hill style or box of chocolates drama in some part of our lives. You may not realize it now, but sooner or later we happen to experience it.

I happened to experience a similar bench in 2008.  It was a stimulating experience that I captured the bench and its memories well as shown below.

Captured on a random evening in 2008

Captured on a random day in 2008

10 YEARS LATER

 This afternoon I happened to pass by the same route. Unaware,  I realized lives have changed but the bench has remained the same.  In fact with time, the bench has gotten old as well and grew some COMET scars and it has been push back in location and its surroundings have changed a little.

Happy 10th birthday Mr. Bench

I wondered how many lives this bench served over a decade or am I the only one who found it to be special?

I sat on the bench to do some self reflection and felt happy experiencing the comfort provided by the same bench  even after a decade. I decided to capture it on my camera.

First Micro-Expression in Transition

After a couple of minutes truth hit hard on me and my expressions changed.

Steady-state normal expression synchronizing with bench details

At the end I realized the bench is the same, I am the same person but my perspectives have changed. 
The physical presence of objects around us may be a good reminder of the past but it also reminds us to be cognizant of where we come from and where are we going.

Bench was the same, nothing has changed other than the fleeting moments of time which are captured in memories and erased from reality.   

Re: You made me Experience You

I would not want you to read this, however you mentioned to me in your e-mail , " I wish Karma is real and I hope you experience the same"

I did not know what it meant until I woke up in the middle of the night last week with your thoughts in mind. What was that I did not know myself until it happened. I pushed you away so far that it was bound to happen that way.

After reaching the destination, I find myself lonely as if I didn't even know what was the prize I was aiming for. I have no words or imagination how to reconcile something or anything.  You helped me on this journey when I started and you are not even here. The answer is simple and I know why :(

I am happy that life has started to offer you the benefits and enjoyments which you always wanted.

You exceeded my expectations and went on express lane from Jan 13 to Jan 20 in your journey to find special someone right away. It is my impressionism on you. I rubbed on you a lot that you started |to imitate the mistakes I made and continue to make. :|

I wish you all the best either you go for bowling, smoke Hooka or read books. We all have different interests in life and some interests even though originally not our own interests get up and get in the way making us realize what did we miss because of someone worth it. I am glad you don't have to say now it now.

 Experience and memories are the best assets you have. I am taking memories with me and leaving you with experience.

The Bus Ride which took 10 Years!!!

 

 It's time to hit flash back.


A decade has passed by (not so quickly). Everything has changed and when I say a lot yes A LOT Has changed. I have changed, I changed the people around me. I made more mistakes, hurt more people, helped more people and slept less.

10 Years ago in 2008, I was fortunate to be given a bus pass. I could use it to go anywhere. I decide to opt for the final stop. No it was not a non-stop bus, instead it stopped at every nook and corner so that people can board the bus and bored people can get off.

 I decide to board the bus early enough to get to my destination as soon as I can.

Young and naive I didn't know anyone, however to my surprise there were other young and energetic people already on the bus as well. I reached out and one special person helped me board the bus by holding my hand. Once I was on the bus it was obvious I should say 'thanks' to the special person and show my courtesy + regards.

Without any surprise I realized,  we both were destined towards the same destination ---- The Last Stop.  Unaware of what the future holds and the journey is long. We kept on striking conversations everyday, day after day everyday. Every morning and then every evening....... the routine continued.......

It's nice to have someone to talk to on a lonely journey but this delicate journey of bus ride was tricky.

You see my goal was to get to the destination ASAP. While the bus stopped at various local destinations, where some people left already and new people boarded the bus.


Fortunately, my bus companion and myself had the same destination. So I was fortunate and relived throughout the early part of my journey. Early part of the journey was exciting full of honeymoon stage(s) and fun.  This journey seemed to be the part and parcel of my life initially and I started to get comfortable with it.

This comfort grew into likeness, likeness into attraction which transformed into attachment. We were still in the bus ride heading to our respective destination(s).  Young and crazy we thought this is our world and the bus ride was our world view.

We played hide and seek in the same world view for 5+ years until I decided to venture out and see the outside world and get real. I took a temporary exit at the next stop, off the bus I wanted to explore the real world, in order to earn some pocket money and pay for my remaining bus ride I decided to stay out of the bus ride for a while.
Seeing me out of the bus my companion also decide to venture out and followed me. Upon meeting the companion outside I inquired, " Why aren't you on the bus?" Companion replied, " I would rather be with you than on the bus "

I never imagined to hear this response. I tried to convince the companion you need to get on the bus and continue your journey, don't worry about me. I will be fine. I will meet you one day . I will meet you at the final destination. I promise I will meet you at the final destination. Regardless of whatever I said the companion did not listen.

You see the problem for me with situations like this is, you really don't know your own existence until you find your path and reach your destination. Call it lack of maturity of not being happy with yourself. Personally, I did not find myself happy without destination so how could I make someone else happy?

Call it arrogance or wisdom, I do not care if you have to be nice to someone just for the sake of niceness. It is better to be real with your companion even for a short time rather being fake for a life. Life is short and tomorrow may not happen for me.

After habitual back and forth arguments I decided to go my own way, took another bus heading towards my destination, while my companion headed back to their own journey.

Over the years we met at different bus stops to see if we can get back in the same bus again.  I said no and decided it is better to get your own bus once you reach the destination and I continued my journey alone.

Couple of weeks ago I reached my destination by passing through hula hoops of all kinds. During this decade long journey I made a lot of mistakes, put a lot of things at risk, broke hearts, disobeyed elders, broke rules but above all I followed what I had to do. Even though it seems I am alone at my destination. But the reality is I am happy. Very Happy.  I am happy as hell.

My learning lesson throughout all these years is simple. If you are not being yourself and not happy with yourself. You cannot feel confident in your achievements, there is no way you can provide someone else any happiness and that is the plain brutal truth. If I don't see light of the day tomorrow ----- that is okay. Still I will be more content with what I did and the way I lived rather living in regret everyday. 


The journey is not easy nor painful, but it is about eventually realizing and learning what do you want out of your life.
Can you really be happy with yourself before you can make anyone else happy.

Rest is all fluff and fluff does not matter.

The ones I met on this journey are not here with me, but I am sure they are happy wherever they are today. And whoever they have found. If they are happy I am 110% more happy for them. This is what matters ultimately and all the best wishes for being a grown up.

The physical proof is evident above. :) Back in August 2008 , my face was not even balanced when I boarded the bus.  Last week when 2018 picture is taken even though its later part of life I express more joy and happiness. It still seems better and balanced than being naive and innocent.

Rest you can be the judge !!!