Some experiences are for the first time

I know a guy who had an experience for the first time which made him complete this past Sunday evening. Right after a day later on Tuesday evening he was craving for something which can make him forget his memory.
Suddenly it occurred to him, that conventionally alcohol has been the cause of forgetting for a lot of artists, creatives, and the likes as portrayed in the media. Will he get redeemed merely trying the alcohol distraction in order to move on with life?

On a second thought, he realized. No this is not who he is. Not that he is against alcohol. But this attitude of acting like a snowflake and victim is not good for him. 

Expecting and Accepting

When life is going through rough times my mother sent me a message this morning.

" Expecting and Accepting are two sides of life where expecting ends in Tears, while accepting makes you cheer. Accept life the way it comes..." 

She did not write it herself probably forwarded it. But telepathy is so true. It works in a timely manner.  Messages comes from people closer to us at the right time and in the right place,even when we are not expecting them. I needed to hear this

A better destiny for you

Sometimes we force ourselves to make decisions, which apparently may upset near and dear ones in the short term but they bring in real happiness and joy in the long term.

I wonder forcing myself on to someone just because I am emotional may not do good to either party in the long run. Why do I say that..? Because I know myself, I know mine below average lifestyle versus dreaming of clouds and better living humans in real life.

No matter, how good I may feel in short-term. The long-term patience will bring all the cards I have played in my life in front of the two of us. At that time it will be too late to make any positive impact to promote any change in my own behavior.

That person is too good, honest and sincere to me that I don't deserve it. While I do not have the same gist and habit or behavior to reciprocate and offer in the same manner.

Being happy on my jackpot lottery will be easy to be glad about and thankful for. However, at the end of the day, does jackpot deserve me???  Knowing all about me and what I have done. Would I prefer any jackpot to be in my favor?

If I know my past behavior and deeds...The answer is simple...to be silent and let the better person find its better destiny rather than I be a barrier in their goals. 

Everyday!!!

Every day you try to hide your feelings and then at the same time you try to remind you of your feelings. Every day you try to let go of your feelings and every day at the same time you want to enjoy the pleasure and the pain you have in these feelings.

Every day you think things will change and every day you realize that they are getting more stronger. Every day you realize maybe you are turning into a person or getting used to living in this lifestyle with this feeling.

Every day you feel optimistic, everyday you feel pessimistic. Every day you try to look from a third person's eye and everyday you feel what you lost and everyday you feel what you're going to gain through all this feeling.

Every day you think that you have been free and every day you realize no it is the real Freedom which has caught the bug in you. Every day you realize how much invested you were, and everyday you realize how much of a person you have become?

Every day you realize tomorrow things will change and every day you do the same what you did yesterday. Every day you did not feel the same for them but now every day you do feel the same which is a strange truth in itself.

Every day you - yes I am talking to you not me....Yes, you know you read this and every day I read that.  How long are we going to continue this every day?

Scene 1 + SCENE 1.5 + SCENE 2

He is thinking while staring at his computer screen, " She looks gorgeous while so graceful and bubbly at the same time"
Whereas I don't feel a good match for her. Should I let it go? Yes,  Let's forget it.

He forces his attention on other fluff stuff. 10 minutes past, still....But gets reminded another 10

minutes later. It's his one and only chance. Will thinking too much help? No. Taking action will.

"But we don't have anything in common?", He asks himself.

Then tells himself, I may be broke apparently but not poor mentally.

Then a light bulb moment appears, " What if we would have gone to the same school together? But that won't help because there is no curiosity. But what if we never met each other, but still went to the same school..."


Closing his eyes for 10 minutes. He gathers courage and writes something on the wall which is going to bring them a couple of times again in conversation.

Curtain closes until Scene 2 appears



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCENE 1.5


Bragging about his fully funded scholarship, he confidently wrote, " Do you go to CUNY as well?"

Apparently, this was not the best line he could come up with, but it was honest.

Did he hear back anything or not. That should appear in the next scene in the meantime, this is his time to be curious and keep on gathering as much information as he can about the person who is making him lose his sleep.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SCENE 2.0

He didn't expect, but he did receive a response back. What a surprise. The response was simple and to the point. But he was glad at least his effort didn't go in vain.

He thought to himself, when his initial question worked, so why not to keep on asking more questions. Of course, he was not going to say that he likes her eyes so much and visits her picture quite often + anxiously waits for her scraps back on the wall as well.
Long story short. The initial story kept on progressing day by day. Night after night. When you are busy in work schedule and don't know much you realize all of a sudden. OMG, we are talking consistently for over a week.
And then it was two weeks, then three weeks. Until finally one day.....

Not a Conventional Story

There is a story on my mind. A real story. It has a happy start, a bumpy ride, there is a boy, there is a girl, there are negative situations.
The happy ending has not been declared yet. Because the story is still in the making. We all have our stories, our lives are full of stories. Some are myths, some are wishes and others are realities.
I want this story to be a good story. Not the one I hope in my optimism thinking that yes it will be a good happy ending story.
The question is can we really change the story of our lives. If so how? Can we really believe that telepathy is real, if so then why the optimism in stories is/or not real?

Tu Thodi Dair Aur Tehar Ja!!!

The following lyrics are dedicated are to someone who spent 8+ years of their life dreaming with me,  and about us.

Things don't change and I accept to deserve the result of fate. However, I can console myself with wishful thinking. Only if they can hear.

Dil charkhe ki ik tu dori

Dil charkhe ki ik tu dori
Sufi iska rang haaye

Ismein jo tera khwaab piroya
Ismein jo tera khwaab piroya
Neendein bani patang

Dil bharta nahi
Aankhein rajjti nahi
Dil bharta nahi
Aankhen rajjti nahi
Chaahe kitna bhi dekhti jaaun
Waqt jaaye main rok na paaun

Tu thodi der aur thehar ja sohneya
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja zaalima
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja…

Haaye din tere bin ab jee na paaye
Din tere bin ab jee na paaye
Saans na leti raat
Ishq kare tere honthon se
Ishq kare mere honthon se
Bas ik teri baat

Teri doori na sahun
Door khud se rahun
Teri doori na sahun
Door khud se rahun
Tere pehlu mein hi reh jaaun
Tu hi samjhan jo main chaahun

Tu thodi der aur thehar ja sohneya
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja zaalima
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja…

Dil minnate kare
Na tu ja na pare
Dil minnate kare
Na tu ja na pare
Tere jaane se jee na paaun

Tu thodi der aur thehar ja sohneya
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja zaalima
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja..

Tu thodi der aur thehar ja zaalima
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja.. thehar ja
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja zaalima..
Tu thodi der aur thehar ja
Tu thodi der.. bas thodi der aur thehar ja

This is only wishful thinking. Thank you for 8 years for your dedication

What you can learn in and after 8 years?

I am not a native English speaker, but I try my best to use the language for the purpose to communicate with people. However, certain sentences I could not understand when they came from a specific individual. I tried and tried, but remained in denial.

Finally, the world around me is saying. Accept all what they want you to be and what they call you to be. At the end of the day, does it define me? In those eyes yes. Thank you 8 years, you were near and dear to me. I am glad truth came out and set all of us free.  That's what they could not say in 8 years and when they said so. It went like this:


1-cheating

2-cheating

3-cheating 

4-cheating

5-cheating

6-cheating

7-cheating 

8-cheating

9-cheating 

10-cheating

11-compulsive lying

12-compulsive lying 

13-compulsive lying 

14-compulsive lying

15-compulsive lying

16-lack of consistency

17-lack of consistency

18-lack of consistency

19-lack of consistency

20-lack of consistency

21-lack of commitment 

22-lack of commitment 

23-lack of commitment 

24-lack of commitment 

25-lack of commitment 

Words are mere words if used with caution. However, when words used with emotion go deep and change you into what they call you. Such as


1- You just like that power struggle with me (Red Flag # 100)
2- I am so much in love with you but don't like a lot of your traits ( Red Flag # 524)
3- You can be the way you are but that is not my type ( Red Flag # 8 years)
4- I don't like your kind of personalities even as friends too ( Red Flag # 11)
5- You cannot get over my manager email? (Red Flag # I am  pious)

My advice to 23 years old me, " Dream about them who dream about you and then meet you in person every day. Don't dream about them who only meet you in dreams " 

They said, " I am no one in your life "

An old adage you may have read is,


" Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never break me. "


I believed in the saying. However, just like everything else there are certain things

which take place in our lives for the very first time. We don't estimate the impact of these

experiences until they occur. I think words do affect and break us. Especially, when we are not

expecting someone near and dear to tell us certain words.

Not only they said, " I am no one in your life" but continued with, " Let us leave it at that"

Time is a great healer. However, when you look back in time. All you see is they are...

Lay Ja Mujhe, Saath Tere

Yesterday when I was leaving NYC, this one song kept on reverberating in my mind. While I document this, it is still on repeat in the background.

The day before all this took place. I drove 6+ hours to an island which is famous (for being so short). I was sleepless and tired but happy and fresh at the same time. I kept on driving without any concrete hope of meeting in person. Once I reached the famous island ( famous for being short). Things calm down for me

It did not take more than 5 minutes of awkwardness to realize how much of:
change, stress, excessive studying, hard work and coping mechanism can rub on a person's face.

The best of all I bursted a couple of myths and asked myself a couple of questions on this trip as well. I never thought I will make a trip like this nor thought how brain play games on me.

The trip was emotional or liberating or just a trip I don't know. However, I do attest to the following, which I never thought I will:

1. Earlier in life, I was told if you pass the age of 23 years or more studying full time without having any prescription glasses. There is no way an individual will get prescription glasses after that phase later on in life. Turns out studying consistently or too much crying can result in having prescription glasses for sure. Some people can pull off everything glasses or no glasses with their beautiful big eyes.

2. Once a stylish person, always a stylish person is a myth. Turns out one can lose their sense of style in 24 months. They say it can be as a result of becoming mature and getting out in the real world when style does not carry any more weight or losing a secret admirer :(.  Trust me, one should not lose their style.  Trust me, secret admirers always remain in secret, if that helps

3. People are always themselves no matter what is not true. It takes at least 15 minutes of conversation and catching up to be yourself when you start getting comfortable with yourself and the person you are with as well.

4. People change with time is not true. People do not change and they should not change for who they are. But often times, being yourself is confused with people becoming stubborn instead.

5. Telepathy is real or not. This is still a question I am struggling with.

6. Love covers everything or not. Two strong personalities or rather two stubborn personalities can co-exist together or not. One has to be dominant over the other and vice versa. How synchronism is attained in such a situation is still a struggling question.

7- Communicating everything is the key. Somethings are better left unsaid. We may never get an answer to the question what to say and what not to say.

8- Think through, think through, think through.... the more you think the more it can be upsetting.

They did not say anything. However, the following lyrics did convey what's going on in their mind.

Tere mere darmiyaan hai baatein ankahi
Tu wahan hai main yahan
Kyun saath hum nahin 

Faisle jo kiye
Faasle hi mile
Rahein judaa kyun ho gayi
Na tu ghalat na main sahi

Le ja mujhe saath tere
Mujhko na rehna saath mere

Le ja mujhe.. le ja mujhe..

Thodi si dooriyan hain
Thodi majburiyan hain
Lekin hai jaanta mera dil

Ho.. Ik din toh aayega
Jab tu laut aayega
Tab phir muskurayega mera dil

Sochta hoon yaheen
Baithe baithe yoonhi
Rahein juda kyun ho gayi
Na tu ghalat na main sahi

Le ja mujhe saath tere
Mujhko na rehna saath mere

Le ja mujhe.. le ja mujhe..

Yaadon se lad raha hoon
Khud se jhaghad raha hoon
Aankhon mein neend hi nahi hai

Ho.. tujhse juda hue toh
Lagta aisa hai mujhko
Duniya meri bikhar gayi hai

Dono ka tha safar
Manzilon pe aakhar
Rahein juda kyun ho gayi
Na tu ghalat na main sahi

Le ja mujhe saath tere
Mujhko na rehna saath mere
Le ja mujhe saath tere
Mujhko na rehna saath mere

Le ja mujhe.. le ja mujhe..

Sun mere Khuda bas itni si meri duaa
Lauta de humsafar mera
Jaayega kuch nahi tera
Tere hi dar pe hoon khada
Jaun toh main jaaun main kahaan
Taqdeer ko badal meri
Mujhpe hoga karam tera..

Goodbye to your feelings.....

I came to NYC for the first time in 2009. A lot has been written, said and done about this concrete jungle island. Prior to that visit, I never realized how this trip will change me and my personality later in life at the expense of various ups and downs. For all the good or bad reasons whatever may be the case. 

The person who was generous enough to show me around became much more than what I say --- all the more reasons for me to visit here in the later years.  Little did I know if I am associating the city with this personality,  or that person with the city or both. My self-taught psychology analysis could be wrong however, I associated and anchored my happiness in this city with the same person every time. 

After that first trip, I always found more reasons to come back to NYC (not as much as I could have or should have) to visit this person or just for the excuse of business as usual. I continued to associate the feelings of being on cloud nine, soft tender thoughts, happiness, and joy with this city all because of anchoring with the person 

I continued to visit this concrete jungle. Every time my association with the city and this person grew stronger and stronger. From the airport surroundings to the subways, from walking on the streets to several hours arguing together. Everything formed a strong attachment. I always knew there is someone waiting for me. 

The association did not fade away but let's just say I did not handle things ideally and that is that, not to mention the fact that out of sight equals out of mind.   

Enough said. A lot has been said and done in the recent years.

I did not realize until this week, how strong deep down this attachment and anchoring was? This week I decided to visit NYC in order to get out of my non-productive schedule, get a head start on my writing. 

To my surprise the moment I landed everything felt incomplete from the surrounding of the airports to the landmarks here. My eyes kept on searching, my heart wishing silently if only by mistake or on account of mere movement of stars a fortunate co-incident occurs so that I can get to see them at least one more time. 

The city is the same, nothing has changed except my reality. I looked for someone my mind has anchored this lively city with. 

I asked the city, 

" Why I don't feel the same way anymore?"  

She replied, 

" Good bye to your feelings, you are not the same person anymore."