Upon Waking Up

As I get older day by day .... I learn that subconsciously how much I have admired the qualities of people who don't exist anymore in my life.
Even if I want them in my life either they do not exist anymore physically in this world and others who are here choose not be with me anymore.

In either case, the point is love is not constant and hope is never ending.  When someone passes away we put our hopes of meeting them in the next world in order to make ourselves feel better.
When someone chooses not to be with you.  It is a moment of being thankfulness because they are teaching you that everything is fleeting and on top of that they are validating the fact that no one cares for you but about their own well being and why not.

We all have selfish genes from evolution. Some have more like myself others have less and conditioned like late Mother Teresa

Still the humanistic and love virus in our mind and body creeps in and we still look towards lost people with optimism and good faith. 

I wonder how life would have been if I would have grown up in a balance family. Would my responsibilities still have been the same or different. Would I have focused more on others rather myself. Would I have had more generous heart than what it is or vice versa.

Would I have had more compassion and kindness or more greed.

As I decide my life directions on these cross roads where the road I set on my journey is reaching it's destination. These questions still remain unanswered.

It's time for me to start with the basics, no talk just actions.

Will the roads of new again but old as a soul of a city will keep me motivated to manage multiple things even as a nomad.  When people look up to you as a leader and you don't have all the answers.... What do you do?

It would be nice if you were with me on this journey but in case if you were with me in the first place.... It would have been a destination already not a journey anymore.

Until next time.

June 27, 2018 from a mid night wake up situation and pen it down. 

Raw Thoughts on Career, What you learn in a decade and being brutally Honest!!!

Just like in a bar on Friday night over drinks you end up spilling all the secrets of your life and talk as YOU are.

On a reunion trip to East coast with alma-mater friends, we all shared what matters to us and how we think differently.

I think our experiences make us who we are. The moment people hear your opinion and it is different from rest of the world...TWO THINGS happen.

1. 1st. People get uncomfortable
2. 2nd. They wants you to be vanilla. 

The moment you become vanilla they abandon you.

You have your own voice and your own world view. You have your own goals and following those goals is the key to be yourself.

If I have a backbone, I can disagree and commit ...that's what makes you different than me.

Life of Sin and Nostalgia

I think music does not get enough credit and importance in our lives like food, water, shelter etc. If  I look back there have been certain times in my life good and bad where music was the only source of motivation and inspiration. There are certain music and themes which have been associated with certain tough times in my life as a child.

I remember certain songs even when they play on radio, the whole scene of my childhood and tragedies play in front of me. Similarly certain songs and instrumentals when I get to hear them they take me back to my journey for the last 15+ years while I am living on my own. 

I discovered 'Mr Suicide Sheep' 3 years ago. During 1st year of discovering the electronic music on Spotify,  these instrumental became a repeat on my playlist.  There are certain selected tracks which are all time favorite.

Every time I listen to those tracks I take a trip back to late 2015 era and on wards. I start visualizing Riverside drive, Riverchase, Arkansas river......... those long runs and cycling. The thoughts of scary future come flooding into my mind. The trips from Oral Roberts University to 81st drive and look at the sky from balcony.

I remember all that, nostalgia is still strong with all those good and challenging days.  I used to do at the end of certain days. When I listen to those tracks ...... I still remember making the decision to leave everything behind in Dallas and moving to Tulsa all of a sudden. I still don't remember why or how I was able to pull that decision so quickly...but the burden and anxiety was so strong that I wanted to get out of my corporate slavery routine.
Years down the road I can understand happiness within thyself is the key to happiness around you, not matter you are in big or smaller city.

Thank you Mitis - Life Of Sin  for giving some vague meaning to those moments of despair and stress.

David called me out on my Bulls**t

JUNE 22, 2018



David: Yaar I need a favor from you, at work now will call you tomorrow evening if you're available.

Me: Gee Hukam. What favor sir?

David: Will tell you when we talk :)

Me: Sir don't ask something which I will not be able to do.




NEXT DAY: JUNE 23, 2018




David: hi

Me: Hola

David: Free hai?

Me: Sir Hukam? Hello


RING RING RING RING , INCOMING PHONE CALL. RING RING RING RING


Me: Hello, gee Boss how are you?

David: Haan Azar Sahab kia haal hain? Ap busy admi hain humien lift he nahi karwatay.

Me: Nahi Sir, app neechay dekhain tou hum nacheez log app ko nazar aeen gay na.

David: Acha yaar mein nay tujhe aik baat kehni thee.

Me : Yaar, I have a feeling about what you are going to tell me, so before you tell me I am already asking please no. I don't think so I will be the best person to do that. You should ask Asif or anyone else to do that.

David: Azar Sahab, dramay karnay ke zarurat nahi hai. You are my best friend, so I would request you that. I am telling you this 6 months in advance already. November 2nd is my wedding and I want you to be the best man.

Azar: Yaar do you know the theory of best man? You know the wing-man concept as well. I may not be the best person to take that job on November 2.

David: Mein nay jo kehna thaa mein nay keh diya, abb agay koi tamashay karnay ke zarurat nahi hai.

Me: Yaar shadi kahan Sweden mein hai ya phir Pakistan mein?

David : Lahore mein hai. You have 6 months, ticket waghara book kar laina pehlay he.

Me: Yaar you need to get some nice guy as best-man who is experienced as well. Someone like Shahbaz not me. Meri tou khud shadi nahi huee abhi tak, what do I know about best-man.

David:  Haan tou kar lain na shaadi kis nay rooka hai tujhe.

Me: Yaar mera tou proposal he reject ho gaya, shadi kai khaak karni hai.

David: What do you mean proposal reject ho gaya.

Me: Yaar I don't know, I am learning about my own set of things and priorities in mind.

David: Par huva kia hai.

Me: Yaar tujhe pata tou hai when I was in NYC with you last year. I started feeling heavy and burdened. You asked  me about it. I told you and then I thought the right thing to do is say sorry and move on.  You know already I went for  mere 45 mins and came back in 6 hours.  My intention was to meet her say sorry and come back. I already had a gf at that time. However, it turned out to be an emotional meeting for me. After 40 minutes into conversation, it felt thing are getting emotional and I wanted to leave right there.

David: Haan tou why you did not leave.

Me: Yaar I wanted to and after dinner we walked towards the parking lot. My heart was heavy already. She overcame her emotions in tear and she was crying altogether. I didn't know what to do. My heart broke more seeing her cry. I did not want to leave and rest you know I came so late.

David: Emotional attachment can be very strong.


Me: Yaar one night after graduating when I was in hotel room, I realized that degree is done, but she is still not here. I don't know what goals I have in my mind. I learned that she has a bf now.

David: How did you propose her?

Me: Yaar I simply called her up and asked " Mujh say shadi kar loo ". Even though this approach looks very needy and desperate, but for a couple of weeks I have been so uncomfortable and kind of down before that so I had to say it.

David: Just like that?

Me: Haan tou or kaise. Once you need to do something just say it and ask. Simple, iss mein preparation kaise.

David: I don't believe you. I can imagine the way you would have made this statement and said it, that even she would not have understood it.

Me: Yaar the point is, I asked seriously and she insulted me over the phone first and then gave it a thought and then insulted again one night after calling me.

David: Did you ever gave her a hint about marriage?

Me: Yaar back in the days in 2010 or so. I told her that when my qualifying exam will be done we will get engaged. Mujhe kia pata thaa kay this degree will take 10 years and the job and all the life's ups and down will come out for me. She brought that discussion to me in 2013 but I did not feel myself ready as if I have accomplished anything to move to another step in life. So I did not appreciate the idea, even though she wanted me to meet her family.

David: Yaar, you put expectation is someone's mind first and then blame them, this is not right.

Me: Maybe you are right. I got so mad when she started to manipulate me by inviting my mother to US as if she will pair us up by some magic. I myself needed to feel ready to make that decision not anyone else. Instead it struck a bad nerve in me, I went totally opposite, and then the interesting thing is. She did not want to talk about it or explain why she did that. We had a huge argument and fight about it. She said she wanted to give me a surprise. I didn't like that surprise at all.

David: You kept moving around here and there after other girls. Not sure what you expect. Girls need a proper direction and time. Sorry to say as a neutral person I don't think so you did any of that.

Me: Yes, I did all that,  to get all kinds of  imaginations and kinkiness out of my system before marriage. Yaar the worst of all, she does not even have enough sense regarding where to put a boundary line between personal and professional live. You know she sent that email at my work place and all.

David: Yaar, what I see as a neutral person is that you did not give her a firm understanding which always made her feel insecure. Because of her insecurity she started reaching out to other people and doing things like this. If you would have said something more firm ...

Me: I don't know. We used to do a lot of impulsive things together. After engagement timeline did not work out. After that never said anything about marriage and all by words because that's a big big commitment. We both are used to doing things on spot and impulsively and Then for getting settled she wants a firm date. Anyways I am happy that she is happy now.

David: I will still say you did not put a firm timeline... nothing is lost as of now.

Me: David Sahib, she has a boy friend now. She is happy with him. In fact she even blocked me on Watsapp so that if she shares her pictures and bf pictures on Watsapp by mistake I should not be able to see it.  She thinks I am as crazy like her. She thinks I will contact her boyfriend and start treating him like she did with people in my social circle. I hate that manipulative mentality. On top of that she starts texting me every now and then.  Even though she blocked me on WatsApp. That's a 100% manipulator right there.

David: I think any girl will do this to get attention. What I know from limited information. You have made her so much insecure in the past that she does not want to take any chance.

Me: Yaar iss mein insecure or  chance ke kia baat hai.... I did what I decided I had to do. Agay abb chance and more pursuance all that does not matter. When she has moved on already and happy exploring her other options. Let it be.

David: I don't think so, if she has lived in US for 10+ years, she would know already how guys are and they can be good boy friends and all nice all the time but who gets serious about marriage anyways. Nothing has wasted for now and if you really want you should still go and pursue her.

Me: Pursue her? Bhai sahib I have blocked her number as well. I don't want to coddle anyone who wants to block me half on one application and keep on getting attention from on another platform. If she is happy enjoying the new toy she has found ... good for her.
I mean think about it  who in their sane mind would text " Come and meet my boyfriend? I mean this is total attention seeking behavior plus manipulation at the same time. What does I have to do after meeting him......come on.

David: Azar sahib, I am still saying that you have time and you should at least talk face to face to her. Texting does not give the real story.  Make things clear and if nothing then just close this chapter never to open this.

Me: I think she is mature enough to understand and decide what she is looking and what is her goal in life. She even did an analysis and therapist appointment to discuss this as well. Even though I don't believe these American therapists because they themselves have 4 marriages , divorces and remarriages at the same time not everyone but an average thought. Maybe they all like to explore like me.  But still if someone believes them and their opinion like she wants their opinion and if that convinces her its fine.

David: Khair yaar teri marzi hai. Marriage is a matter of sacrifice simply. Not everyday will be great and not every day will be worst. It's a constant struggle. Agay abb jo teri marzi hoo. I still think it was all your fault.

Me: I have thought through it. I am doing different things these days which will distract me enough and she will also get better with time and hate me well enough to have peaceful life.  One I will move either to Pakistan or remain in North West and occupied with other things in life, I will continue to do great.  Her life goals like any other girl of her age she will find as what she wants anyways. Everyone is in-charge of their happiness.

David: Jaise teri marzi sir. 

Me: Bye








HANG UP HANG UP HANG UP HANG UP V

Crazy = Selfie at 1:30 am + Car Interview

Today, when they asked what's the craziest thing you have done lately? ...I started thinking.

 The word 'crazy' is abstract and can be used in different contexts. I have done some crazy things  which now when I remember are not so nice ones for some people and great for others. Well what can we say. Life is a trade-off. You have to find the optimum balance.


Crazy #1

1:30 am Selfie + Fooling at the same  time with another person is sick... Hahahaha

Sender:  " Selfie taken for you while half asleep. 1:30 am at Apple Bees " 

Receiver: " I don't think I told you how much I liked the photo (it was a good one) and the sentiment (you thinking of me at one thirty at apple-bees). Hope you're enjoying yourself!. S "


------


Crazy #2

Another time where you leave your current lecture and job to come and attend an interview for an internship position which will not even pay 1/6th of what you have currently....but still I did it.  Yes I did it because I wanted to do so. Regret is poison and I don't like poison when natural life has limit to expire already forget poison instead. I think Dan Ariely and his research is right...people do things what they want to do, because ultimately they want to do it. 

Well I did not get that specific internship which was a good sign because I saved my face and learned from the school of hard knocks instead. 

Rather than saying I wish I could have done that. I said to myself Why Not go ahead and do it. What's the worst that can happen.  Nothing worst happened but I added a tool in my story box instead. 

Go ahead and do it .... what's on your mind and knock it off from the check list. What's the worst that can happen?

Snippets with "ideal" # response from me

" Enjoy your day Sir!!! Love you:-)"
 # Metoo


"I can't go back and front with you without a purpose"
 # I know you cannot help yourself.


" Sir, guess what someone who works with me and has been working for 15 yrs told me that she felt comfortable working with me. " 
 # I felt comfortable with you for the last 10 years as well and it has been a rough ride but still I do



"Bohat buray ho mera joke bana rahay ho....lol kiun"
 # lol = lots of love. About joke .... hum donoon ke life he joke ban gaee  :(



"R u making fun of me? I did it in a lovie dovie way"
 # lovie dovie has fun in it as well. 



"Pyar say kiya tha"
 # Why did you stop the pyar?



"Please sir don't over do it because I will get use to it and then you will not want to do it anymore. I will love you anyways even if you don't say these words :)"
 #  I do too and take action instead of saying anything 



Good night sir ji! Sweet dreams! :-)
# See you in dreams

Weekly Gratitude and Getting Back in "The Game"

In order to get back in life and to get myself back on track. Physical fitness is one way to do that.  The other long term approach is to be thankful. This therapeutic approach is to count my blessings each day and be thankful. We don't get everything in life but I have gotten more than everything. I am auditing each day of the week and happy with what life has in store for me.



SATURDAY

Saturday night was " A Quiet place" a fake piece of story made into an excellent drama thriller that I would like to Salute the director and Dragon Breath which was fun.

Second Try

 

SUNDAY

Sunday was Leg Day and my thighs and back are not sore any more now.. my trainer pushed me not that hard as I trained last year...... but my testosterone levels are improving so that is a good thing.  I can feel it and that can be troublesome in some ways... :| :O. :|



 MONDAY

Monday morning trip to Golden state and adventures started in LA  plus lots of management. I need to work on my accountability skills to inquire others about their assigned duties.... Being a nice guy  does not always make a cut, but I try to work with honey rather than using vinegar.  It will get better with time. First I need to get better with myself and happy in myself.

 Mazda Miata MX5 was a great surprise and has been very adventurous for me so far.

Does not do the justice

143 on wheels

Taking a Break from Work

Work to show off :(

Meeting Mr. Darbandi at the Spur of Moment was awesome :D :) 

I will not deter my plan

Never thought we will meet randomly again ...

Thank you Mr. Darbandi for the picture :)

Thank you Mr. Darbandi for the picture and impromptu meeting consent :)

TUESDAY



Getting back in the game is a little challenging. I have gotten rusty in the last 3-4 years or so. Will pick it up with time ..as memory serves well.  This is how I performed....I think I did pretty well even though it needs brain to understand my sense of humor.  I got compliments and criticism both. I know how to handle and pull from opposite directions. I will get through this.

Talk your mind-1

Talk your mind-2

One lady friend said this after reading, " Oh bloody hell. Hold this bucket, whilst I vomit "

Where the other said after reading this, " Too hard she does not understand your sense of humor "

David said after reading this, " What I can say Azar sahab? You are the captain of your own ship, the one who enjoys the thrill of a shipwreck is not gonna avoid the rocks no matter what anybody says :) " 
Well David has got a point though. 


I don't care whatever they say.  I am glad I am taking steps and moving forward. Keeping busy and understanding the economics behind it is the solution to pick yourself up back and move. This is my remedy and medicinal healing.



THURSDAY

Thursday in San Francisco, another tough ones to manage, but will work fine.  Plan to visit Pacific coast Highway  hopefully in the afternoon. This crazy California traffic has driven me crazy for the last 4 days.


FRIDAY
 
Friday will be a good day once I fly back... A sigh of relief.

Thank you Lord for all the blessings, safety and opportunities to do the right thing. Amen